Breaking news! TV is terrible

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Okay, I’m mad as hell – and I’m not going to take it anymore.

Well, I might take it, but not before I rant and rave for a while.

Sara and I just moved to Newcomb, N.M., and finally got cable again. I was looking at the package I signed up for and noticed something that is bugging me.

I have a dozen or more Spanish channels – and they are considered part of the “minimum” cable package. That means that even though I can’t speak or understand Spanish I have no choice but to keep these channels.

That isn’t the part that bothers me. Dish is charging me $29.99 a month for channels that I can’t even understand. And I have no choice but to pay them roughly $360 a year for something I don’t need and don’t want!

That’s like going to an all-you-can-eat BBQ joint and them charging you $30 for a side of tofu.

I’m no lawyer, but there must be some class-action suit waiting to happen?

I even have complaints about the channels I do watch.

Like CNN, for example. All day long – with virtually every story they run – they call it Breaking News Do they not understand the concept of breaking news? If a story’s breaking at 6 a.m. it’s not “breaking” when you repeat the same story every hour. Stop the breaking-news headlines.

Another channel I used to like was the History Channel. But that was back when they actually aired shows that dealt with history. Now the History Channel is a “reality” channel with hillbilly duck hunters, pawn shops, toothless gator wrestlers, ice-road truck drivers and other fake drama series.

Has the History Channel run out of real history to explore?

Remember MTV? It used to play videos all day long. Now it’s a hodgepodge of teenage moms, Jersey Shores, Big Brothers and other so-called reality crap. I don’t even like rap music, but I used to watch “Yo! MTV Raps” because some of the videos were pretty cool.

And, of course, there was Michael Jackson!

Don’t get me started on CMT. I have to get up at like 5 a.m. to catch any country music videos. Not that today’s country music is worth listening to.

I mean, it seems like there’s one songwriter in Nashville and he just writes the same song for every singer.

There are few distinctive voices in country music today. There was a time when you could turn on the radio and recognize Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn, George Jones, Marty Robbins, Dolly Parton and Ol’ Hank.

Now, I can’t tell Luke Whoever from Jason Whatchamacallit.

And every song was a guy “leaning in.” I assume they’re leaning in for a kiss, but none of them seem to finish the thought. And every girl wears cut-off jeans and has baby-blue eyes. No country girl ever just gets into a pick-up truck, they all “slide” in. What, do they have ice in the back pockets? Country girls seem to slide more than a toboggan after a snowfall.

Not that the female country singers are much better. Except for Miranda Lambert I can’t tell one voice from another. They all seem to be young and blonde, and look alike to me.

That’s my rant for today. I’ve got to see if I can catch a re-run of Honey Boo Boo.

John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at http://authorjohnchopkins.blogspot.com.

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