May 2016
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Flavor of the month

By John Christian Hopkins

I spent most of my life as a journalist, believing that I was keeping the public informed of the important events of the day.

But today I was listening to CNN and realized how embarrassed I am about the state of what passes for news these days.

The CNN anchor was reporting that Republican presidential contender John Kasich had stopped off for some ice cream. The reporter said it looked like the Ohio governor was eating chocolate ice cream, but that he hadn’t gotten confirmation of that yet.

What the hell?

Reporting that someone stopped for ice cream is lame enough, but spending time trying to confirm whether it was chocolate is utterly ridiculous.

I mean, strawberry lives matter, too.

The other big news story on CNN was that Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly was meeting with GOP frontrunner Donald Trump.

So now reporters report on who other reporters are meeting with? CNN’s panel had no idea why the pair was meeting, or who initiated it … they might have been able to do more in-depth reporting but all their resources were apparently being spent on trying to find out what kind of ice cream Kasich was eating.

Speaking of Herr Trump, he cancelled a planned trip to my home-state of Rhode Island because of protestors. What if he gets elected and Putin protests him? Or ISIS heckles him?

Trump will probably find solace in a bowl of ice cream – and, like his path to the White House, it will probably be Rocky Road.

Actually, I like Rocky Road. I figured I’d let you know in case Anderson Cooper asks you, friends.

I used to order pistachio, but I never liked it. Back when we were kids, my younger brother used to copy me and order whatever flavor I did. So I would order pistachio because he hated it. I got him good.

What’s with all the anti-gay laws being passed lately? How long before Louisiana passes a law to make Tutti Fruitti ice cream illegal?

A lot of people want to argue that the laws aren’t anti-gay, but instead a matter of religious freedom. I guess they want to be free to discriminate against gay people.

It amuses me how they want to use the Bible to defend their prejudices. They seem to be able to quote every chapter and verse – except the one that says not to judge other people.

I had a gay roommate in college once. Being a bit backwards, I didn’t really realize it, though. Steve was a theater major, so seeing him put on make-up didn’t clue me in.

Steve was funny and a good guy. We used to go to the dining hall together.

Then a group of other people in the dorm came to me to tell me that Steve was gay and they were trying to get him to move out of the dorm. They said that I was the only one in the dorm who still talked to him. If I stopped being his friend, he’d move out, they told me.

I was backwards, but not a bigot.

Steve was a nice guy and his sexual preference made no difference in that equation.

Like the Good Book says, people worry too much about the speck of dust in their neighbor’s eyes while ignoring the plank in their own.

After I realized Steve was gay, though, I was somewhat disappointed. I mean he never hit on me, right. What am I, chopped liver?

Fortunately I consoled myself with a bowl of ice cream. Let’s see if CNN can figure out what kind.

John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at http://authorjohnchopkins.blogspot.com.


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