August 2016

Behind the times

By John Christian Hopkins

OK, call me old-fashioned, but what is this Pokémon Go stuff all about?

I remember my oldest nephew, Jacob, used to really like them. I think they were collectible cards or something.

I had no idea there were so many Pokémons – or is that Pokemoni? Kind of like how a group of octopus would be called octopi. Of course it’s only octopi if there are 3.14 of them, I think.

Now that Pikachu thingamabob was cute. But I can’t remember the names of the others. I think I remember one whose tail had fire at the end? But I know there was no such thing as Poké mon Go when I was a little Squirtle.

Okay, maybe I am behind the times. I recently threw away my old vinyl records, but that’s only because I found this cool new thing called eight-track tapes.

And I just started wearing a belly purse. That’s what I called it, anyway. My wife, Sara, told me the correct name is fanny pack. I decided I wanted one after seeing The Rock in “Central Intelligence.” Now, The Rock – uh, rocked – the fanny pack. I could smell what The Rock was cooking.

Obviously I came to the conclusion that if I wore a fanny pack I’d look just like The Rock.

I bet the next time you see me you won’t be able to tell the difference.

When it comes to popular culture I always seem to be behind the times. I’m sure that I’m not the only one that still puts baseball cards on the spokes of his bicycle?

Maybe you’ve heard of Hello, Kitty?

I had never heard of that famous feline until I met Sara. She told me it was really popular. But I thought, “How can it be that popular if I’ve never heard of it?”

So I googled it. Turns out Hello, Kitty – real name Kitty White – pulls in $1 billion a year. In fact she lives in London, loves her grandmother’s apple pies and has her own pets.

I couldn’t believe that there could be such a widely loved product and I had never heard of it.

I don’t remember any Hello, Kitty’s or Pokémons when I was a kid. I had a Hula Hoop and a Slinky. Now, the Slinky was fun for about 30 seconds, but the second time it tried to go down the stairs it toppled over and the wire got tangled.

Thinking about it, maybe I’m not so behind the times. I was driving down the road in my Edsel, sipping on my Nehi, when I thought about my cellphone.

That’s right, I have a cellphone. It’s a flip-top, so whenever I use it I feel like I’m Captain James Tiberius Kirk with a Star Trek communicator.

“Kirk to Enterprise!”

Admittedly I don’t know how to use it too well. I can text a little, though I don’t know how other people can make all those fancy symbols in their messages. I’ve had my current cellphone for about four years and only found out about a month ago that it can take pictures. That was when I accidentally blinded myself with a flash.

So, see, if I was behind the times, how would I know about Miss Mary Mack, all dressed in black? She even had silver buttons on the back, back, back.

Booyah!

John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at http://authorjohnchopkins.blogspot.com.