December 2016

Losing in the Pectoral College

By John Christian Hopkins

The result of November’s big election sure caught me by surprise.

I never even thought he had a chance, but, then, what do I know?

But it really happened: The Rock was named People magazine’s sexiest man alive. You heard right, I said sexiest man alive.

My first reaction was, “What the heck! HELLO – I’m still alive here!”

I’m not jealous or anything. Okay, maybe I was a little at first. I’m over it now and I realize that People had a difficult decision to make and they went with The Rock instead of me.

I’m content to know that I probably won People’s popular vote but lost in the Pectoral College.

Still, it’s easy to see how People found itself in this unusual situation.

It’s hard to differentiate between The Rock and me.

I mean, we have the same basic body parts – just, maybe, in different sizes and distribution. Look at The Rock’s biceps, for example. They look like massive pythons.

You can see his muscles ripple.

I’ve got muscles, too, but they’ve sagged to my ankles. Gravity’s a bitch.

When he was a professional wrestler, The Rock was known for “laying the smack down.”

I’m best known for gobbling the snacks down.

The Rock used to finish off his opponents with “the People’s Elbow.”

I’ve been known to finish off plates of elbow macaroni.

The Rock never failed to the lay the smackdown on his foe’s “candy ass.”

With all the Twinkies and Snicker bars I’ve snacked down, I’ve got a candy ass. So you can see how People could confuse us.

The Rock knows his way around the ring.

I know my way around a Ring Ding. The Rock was master of the choke slam.

I’ll probably choke on a Denny’s Grandslamwich. Kind of like Mama Cass.

So, you see, it’s easy to confuse me with The Rock.

The Rock has millions of fans who think he’s cool.

I have a lot of fans. Only I have to plug them in to keep me cool.

The Rock will be starring in action movies for years to come.

You can find me in the theater, too. Only I’ll be missing all the action because I’ll be standing in the concession line trying to refill my popcorn. And maybe get some Red Vines.

Will I ever be named the sexiest man alive?

Every time I think I have a chance, I get beat out by some Brad Pitt or Sean Connery fella.

I guess I’ll have to take matters into my own hand. Just like in high school.

But what’s the use? People has spoken.

I guess I have to accept it for now.

But there’s always the next election and maybe I’ll end up holding the trump card then.

John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at http://authorjohnchopkins.blogspot.com.