August 2005

A revelation on the road to Damascus

By Galen Larson

Hallelujah, praise the Lord. Galen Larson, the avowed atheist, has seen the light, moved to the right, and become a fundamentalist. Hallelujah, praise to God.

Yes, I pray each night that gas goes to $5 a gallon so the Walker Bushes become even wealthier. I lift my eyes to the heavens and beg that there be a Wal-Mart on every corner where the undeserving working poor can find jobs that will barely allow them to make a living and keep them in their place in our society.

My heart is comforted by the fact that illegal aliens will continue to be allowed to cross the border and break the unions.

I praise the Lord that the administration sees fit to spend more on saving defunct airlines than on ensuring truck, bus and auto safety.

Lord, Lord, let the pharmaceutical companies be allowed to stop the flow of cheaper drugs across our borders so they make larger profits and continue to reap revenues from male-enhancing pills so elderly men can satisfy their new trophy wives. At least they are good Christians who aren’t living in sin, thank heaven, but follow the laws of the land in divorcing their old wives and marrying new ones.

I kneel and pray that the Supreme Court will overturn Roe vs. Wade so we have more cannon fodder for world conquests.

Tears fill my eyes and I pray that more jobs are sent overseas that I may get more inferior merchandise and the corporations more profits.

I have let religion into my body so I can be comforted when it pervades our government and we can become like the fundamentalist Muslim government in our own way. Amen. I pray that we do away with taxes and just have tithings. Taxes provide roads, schools, hospitals, and care for the elderly and infirm. Tithings buy million-dollar homes, chauffeured limousines and jet airplanes for self-ordained deliverers of God’s word.

I pray that the Pope can stem the terrible tide of sorcery stemming from the Harry Potter chronicles, so as to not interfere with his own wizardry of bread into body and wine into blood, and smoking incense, golden chalices, crosses, statues of Mary and other mementoes we are told not to worship.

I know now that I am saved, that all of us believers no longer have to worry about saving God’s gift of this world we live in, that we can freely destroy the air, water and land in our quest for riches and power.

I give thanks to the heavens that we can have more video games depicting violence, murder and mayhem to better prepare our youths for war and hatred. I pray that Halliburton gets away with its padded invoices so Dick Cheney will never have a monetary worry as he and Bush save us from the insurgents. It fills me with blessed gratitude that we are killing Muslims by the hundreds so they do not stand in the way of our fundamentalists’ rights. Glory to God in the highest. I pray for the corporations to be able to throw off their chains and be allowed to have all the offshore dummy offices they want to evade taxes and search for countries with a slave-labor pool to lower their costs.

Hallelujah, hallelujah! When all this happens I will know then that God has spoken and I was wrong to ever be an atheist.

Amen.

Galen Larson is an iconoclast living in rural Montezuma County.