March 2010

50 things you should know before we date

By Suzanne Strazza

50 things you should know before we date...

1. Rumor has it, I snore. But I think this is just smack talk.

2. I am the crazy cat lady. Four cats, three of whom are asleep on me as I write this, one screaming at the back door.

3. I hate the feeling of wet hair, unless I am on the river. Therefore, I blow dry my hair.

4. My blow dryer is pink.

5. I read trashy magazines and I enjoy them.

6. I pick my nose (kind of gross) but I don’t eat it. That would be totally gross.

7. I burp out loud with my sons.

8. Everett (my oldest) and I like to beat each other up.

9. I like to walk, not run, although sometimes I do that too, but I could walk from here to California.

10. Sometimes I carry lime-green handweights when I walk. Nerd.

11. I am really horny these days.

12. I cannot function in the morning without coffee.

13. Coffee in the afternoon gives me gas.

14. I have a terrible potty mouth – even in front of my children.

15. If it came out of the ocean, it does not go in me.

16. I am a wretched housewife. I’d rather play than scrub toilets.

17. Sometimes, instead of scrubbing those toilets, I pour bleach in, close the lid and hope for the best.

18. My brain is so fragile and fried right now that I can’t think in full sentences. Only lists.

19. Sometimes, when my recycling is full, I throw cans in the trash. I am so ashamed.

20. I have a tendency to paint the walls and the furniture when life gets too hectic.

21. I am a sloppy painter. Especially when drinking wine.

22. I love thrift stores, but hate regular stores. Although sometimes the City Market is soothing.

23. I am a little bit ADD.

24. I am a cheap drunk. One glass of wine and I am on my lips.

25. I prefer to pee outside, on the ground, rather than in a toilet.

26. I occasionally listen to bad pop music and pretend I am from the hood, not horse country.

27. My favorite birds are turkey vultures. Ravens are a close second.

28. My biggest pet peeve is people flossing in public. Especially in the kitchen while camping.

29. I don’t floss. My dentist groans when I walk in the door.

30. I hate the smells of spilled coffee and banana peels (not necessarily together), although I love both coffee and bananas.

31. I do not read the newspaper.

32. I don’t shower very often. Someone recently told me that it was OK to do so more frequently.

33. I am a hermit and don’t really like people very much. I prefer my cats.

34. I am seriously damaged.

35. I still hide chocolate in my underwear drawer and eat some every night.

36. My favorite sandwich is bananas, peanut butter and mayonnaise.

37. I’ve watched the 6-hour BBC version of “Pride and Prejudice” more times than I can count. And will continue to do so throughout the rest of my life.

38. Same with “Bridget Jones.”

39. I frequently wear running clothes and PJ’s inside out. I just discovered that my brother also does this – it’s genetic.

40. Also genetic is the lack of desire to snuggle. Sleep is about sleep. We Strazzas don’t spoon.

41. I do not like pancakes, waffles or anything else sweet for breakfast. I want bacon.

42. I pretend to be a deep thinker, well-read and concerned with the plight of the world. Honestly, I am quite shallow and unfeeling.

43. I often drive to work instead of walking. It is a half-mile away. I love fossil fuels.

44. I prefer the desert to the mountains.

45. I do not like area skiing.

46. I never, ever get movies back on time. I spend more on late fees than I do on food for my children.

47. I don’t twitter. Actually don’t even know what the hell it is.

48. If you tell me something and tell me not to tell, I won’t… but if you don’t say that, I am probably going to tell everyone I know.

49. No matter how much I love a person, they will eventually end up in my column

50. I screen my calls, so even if after reading this, you are dying to go out with me and get up the guts to call, I probably won’t answer.

Suzanne Strazza writes from Mancos, Colo.