April 2005

The two emotions of men

By Suzanne Strazza

Finally. I have the answer. I now am armed with the key to life’s biggest question.

“What question is that?” you ask.

Well, I’ll give you the answer and I’ll bet that you can figure the rest out from there.

Men have two emotions: horny and hungry. If he doesn’t have an erection, make him a sandwich.

Now, you might think that this sounds like a statement from a disgruntled housewife, but no. I got this straight from the horse’s mouth – a man, actually. He must know what he’s talking about.

Obviously (back to the housewife theme) this is something that most women have suspected at one time or another, but now it has been verified. Forget Mars and Venus and the rest of the solar system, think Hero Sandwich.

Now, that’s actually got me to thinking about the name Hero, and brings new light as to the origin of the Hero Sandwich. But we’ll go into that another time.

So, is it true that men are capable of experiencing only these two emotions? Well, let’s look back to the beginning — Adam. — Adam was given a beautiful place to live, great views, lots of water and no rotten neighbors. He was also given Eve and an apple tree. If you look at this story of creation in a literal sense, Adam got hungry. If you take it a bit more metaphorically, the guy got horny. Either way, there were only two things that Adam could have been thinking about: the girl or the grub.

Maybe what my friend said was true. Another example of men wanting food and feminine wiles is Antony and Cleopatra. The most common image of these two lovers is of Cleopatra, in all of her finery (jewels, eye kohl and skimpy toga), feeding grapes to her man. There are only two things he wanted her for and since she often appears to be feeding him, we must assume that his other emotional needs were met in private. But we have no doubt that feeding is not all that she did for the dude.

Then there’s the ever-popular “barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. . .”

Need I say more?

Now that we understand this, what can we, as women, do with the information? How can we use it to our best interests? Being creatures with a wide array of emotions and feelings, it is difficult for us to understand, let alone live with, a creature managing only two.

When she’s sad, he’s horny.

When she’s angry, he’s hungry.

When she’s feeling her inner child, he’s hungry and a bit horny.

When she’s had a great day at work, he’s definitely horny.

And, when she’s had a horrible day with the kids, he wants food.

See what I mean?

So, women, the trick is to figure out in advance which of the two moods he’s going to be in at any given time and use that to your advantage. And even though it appears that for men, the hungry and horny are almost interchangeable, there are certain times when knowing which the priority is can be very important.

For example:

Say you just gave yourself a bit of costly retail therapy and you don’t want him to be mad. Fix a spectacular dinner, all his favorites, and let him eat himself into comfortable complacency. Nothing can possibly upset him now.

But, say that you want to go to Hawaii for spring break – this is when some special sexual favor is probably in order.

Really, it’s quite simple – you don’t have much to figure out. Ask any man and he’ll tell you that women confuse the crud out of them and they can never get it right in deciding what their female cohort really wants or needs.

Does she want flowers, or to be held, or advice or just a listening ear, or intellectual conversation or romance or surprise or predictability or, or, or. . . ? Basically, women, you only have to cook or put out.

If you don’t like to cook, you’re screwed.

Suzanne Strazza is a writer living in Mancos.