May 2013
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Hot home cooking

By Suzanne Strazza

In the last month or so, several, no many, people have asked me about this list that was published years ago; some want to remind themselves, some want to remind their husbands and some haven’t seen it but have heard that yes, there are rules, and they want to see what they are. Just yesterday I heard, “You mean there are other women who don’t like the B&G in the kitchen????” Some things are universal and timeless.

So, recently, I was out with some friends and the conversation turned (as it almost always does) to the topic of relationships and sex. (Yes boys, we talk about it too). One of my girlfriends blurted out, “Doesn’t he understand that there is a direct correlation between my sex drive and a clean kitchen?” Then, she elaborated, “I mean, when I get home and the dishes are THAT’S hot!”

This declaration was followed by nodding heads, several “Oh yeah’s” and even a “Right on, sister.” It was made clear that evening that what women find to be turnons are not necessarily what men think. I began to ponder long and hard about this – how can we possibly bridge the gap so that we all get more of what we desire? I asked around and not surprisingly, many women want the same thing (or same few things). Also, women’s needs in that department are generally pretty basic and easy to meet – you just have to know what they are.

Therefore, I am offering a little list of basic turn-ons and turn-offs. All of the following information comes directly from the source(s). I have not made any of this up nor exaggerated it in any way.

Feel free to hang this on your fridge for quick reference.

Okay, first, the TURN-ON list: DO:

• Wash the dishes. You will score even better if they are done in a timely manner. Waiting three days to do them sort of defeats the purpose.

• Spend time playing on the floor with the kids. Women love to see their men being sweet and playful. We also love for someone else to be “on” with the children.

• Run the vacuum once in a while. This is a good one, but make sure you do it well, i.e., get underneath the couch and the dining-room table. Surface cleaning doesn’t count.

• BIG turn-on... Clean the toilet. Actually, none of my friends can even summon up that image. Maybe that’s hoping for too much.

• Make coffee in bed for your wife.

• Watch a good chick flick or period piece with her once in a while. This will show that you do have a sensitive side. You can also learn a lot about making your moves a bit more sensually and a bit less neanderthall-ish. Make special note of the gentle-lifting-of-thehair and soft-caress-of-the-neck move.

• Spend some time at home during waking hours. “Some time” meaning more than 15 minutes before collapsing into bed and wanting “some.” You can almost be guaranteed a score if you come home early one day claiming, “I got off work early and just wanted to be with you.”

• If you are a father... Offer for her to take some time to do whatever she wants. Don’t judge if her choice is different from what you would choose to do. Getting her hair done, (nothing like having someone else wash your hair for you), going to a movie with her friends, sleeping – these are all necessary for a mother. Key phrase here, “Go do something fun – YOU DESERVE IT.” Please remember, going to the City Market or Wal-Mart is not a break.

• Do the laundry, start to finish; sort, wash, fold, put away. Do not wash anything of hers; ruining a favorite sweater does negate the points scored by doing the laundry.

• Make the bed. Again, this one needs to be done well – a half-assed job gets you into the negatives.

• Shower occasionally.

Now, for the TURN-OFF list: Some of you may be really surprised to find that these things are not turn-ons: DON”T:

• Fart. Manly Man ones are not romantic in any way, shape, or form.

• Never use the word “baby-sit” when it refers to your own children. They are yours too.

• When you crawl into bed at night with the vision of snuggling up, don’t kick off your underwear so that they land anywhere near her head.

• Don’t ever do only your own laundry. Show that you are aware that there are sheets, towels, dishrags and kids’ clothes to contend with too.

• Never, ever make promises that you have no intention of keeping. If you say that you are going to go for a bike ride with her...GO. And don’t bring your friends along.

• Don’t EVER use the phrase “lighten up” – it’s a killer. It may even get you some couch time.

• Big turn-off: picking the wax from your ears or the dead skin from your feet as you proposition your gal. So not sexy. Okay, now for the big one...

• The bump and grind in the kitchen is not, I repeat, IS NOT, a turn-on. (If you think that she looks really hot stirring the soup, try the above mentioned hair-lift routine). Men might find aprons sexy; women generally find them to be part of a work uniform. The real deal breaker is the B&G while she is doing the dishes. • One last thing; don’t offer to hump her leg.

Now, I will say that the above information does not apply to all women, or all men for that matter. Some of you may disagree with me. But all of the women I surveyed generally felt the same way. I am also not trying to put men down – I happen to like men very much. Mostly, I am just trying to give some of you boyfriends and husbands (especially those whose girlfriends and wives I have spoken with) a few insider-trading tips.

I would also love to hear from the aforementioned boyfriends and husbands about what works for you. Keep it clean and I just might pass on the information next Girls’ Night Out.

Suzanne Strazza is an essayist and humorist in Mancos, Colo. She has a blog, Single in the Southwest, at

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