August 2010

Wanted: the perfect man

By Suzanne Strazza

So when you are suddenly single, the question that spins around both inside your own head and from the people surrounding you is…

What about dating?

During the years that I was married, I thanked the heavens above on a regular basis that I was not out there on the playing field. I couldn't imagine anything worse than having to interact on that level.

Well, here I am with that field looming in front of me and it has gotten me thinking about what it would take to convince me to actually go out with someone.

The last time I went on a real honest-to-God call-me-up-and-ask-me-out, take-ashower-and-brush-my-teeth date, I was still in braces.

And given that I am such a hermit, I don't know how I would actually meet anyone who might want to ask me out. So this entire conversation is probably all for naught.

While my ex is happily ensconced in a relationship at the moment, I am happily un-ensconced.

But I do often think about what I would look for if I were on the prowl, so to speak. Funny, smart, sensitive.

That is so totally clichéd — I need something a bit more original:

o Likes to laugh at himself

o Thinks that I am really funny

o Because I am!

o Sexy — but not in an “I am 45 and need to prove myself to anyone” kind of way

o No butt hair

o Head hair would be nice

o Minimal nose hair

o Must not snore

o Must be OK with the fact that I do

o A boater would be nice— I don't want to get used for my gear — the guy needs to row at least as well as my 13-year-old

o On the other hand, no more professional “players”; no guides, no high-altitude mountaineers, no ultra runners.

o Perhaps a banker?

o HA! Like that would ever happen

o My 13-year-old and his brother need to approve

o Must drink coffee

o Must love bringing it to me in bed

o Must love children

o Mine in particular

o Must love chick flicks

o Must love the desert

o Must be OK with my plants, my cats and my messy house

o Must call when he says he will

o Should enjoy tequila

o But not too much

o Must put the seat down

o Obviously

o A writer might be nice

o But, must not be better with the pen than I. My fragile ego couldn't handle that

o Must do dishes

o Could there possibly be someone out there who would also scrub toilets?

o Must be smart enough to help my kids with their math homework

o Because I'm not

o Single would be a good thing

o Mustn't be old enough to be my father

o Nor young enough to be my son

o Must actually want to spend time with me doing more than getting laid

o Must also want to get laid

o Must pass inspection by KK, KB, MB, VB, DB and JB

o They are a formidable crowd.

o And finally, must think that I walk on water.

I am not asking too much, am I?

Suzanne Strazza writes from Mancos, Colo.