By Tim Cooper
A Parallel Universe News Service – Stanford University’s professor of theoretical physics Tyme Cangeru declared today that the models produced by the application of “string theory”, the overarching mathematical explanation of the universe, to the latest poll numbers in “swing” states, predict that Mitt Romney will both win and lose the election by a small margin. The theory foretells a dual-state condition, presided over by a Higgs Boson and family of fundamental particles known as muons that quack like a quark. Infinite universes will be spawned under the Republican “Big Tent,” which is described as a hypercatenary concretion of pro-life, free choicers who will lower the deficit by decreasing revenue. The equations suggest that one such universe may eliminate all public debt by defunding Planned Parenthood, FEMA and Sesame Street.
Scientist have named the numberless potential pathways of a new Romney universe “Rove World” after the famous architect of George W. Bush’s two successful bids for the Presidency, in 2000 and 2004. This period is now acknowledged as the largest collection of catastrophic missteps in foreign, domestic, fiscal, energy, and environmental policy in U.S. history. Mr. Rove lost his job, as did many, during the largest economic meltdown in this century, but has regained his position as the most effective manipulator of public opinion to ever write a check for a $6 million negative-ad blitz. The fact that he could put forward a candidate that actually had a chance, considering what happened after his last two successes, is perhaps the most sobering aspect to consider when contemplating the uncertain future of democracy.
One possible planet in the Rove cosmos has been termed Bainland, where the country attains full employment by having the entire population involved in mergers, acquisitions and private equity restructuring, the “transactional economy” which rocketed Mr. Romney and his entire family to stratospheric wealth, while avoiding the troublesome process of actually producing anything. Tremendous gains national net worth are possible if only a small fraction of the population were to do as well as Mr. Romney has. The Northeast, for example could be in charge of identifying undervalued companies carrying minimal debt. Much of the Mid-West could be put to work closing under-performing branches, reducing overhead and outsourcing labor costs. The West Coast seems particularly well suited to leveraging assets and assuming crushing debt loads in order to pay huge sums to investors, who would use the money not for multiple mansions, race horses, or padding Cayman Island bank accounts; but to further job creation, which is pretty much all the filthy rich are concerned about. The western states could make coffee, or sorry, postum, and Florida might clean the office. Everybody is happy in Bainland, a universe constituted solely of fabulously well-to-do paper-shufflers, made possible by Mr. Romney’s demonstrated business acumen.
Professor Cangeru also stated that the Romney campaign was the most convincing proof to date of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, which states it is impossible to know both the location and momentum of a particle at the same time. The act of observing the particle affects its position. “The observation that Romney has been on both sides of the abortion, gun-control, health-insurance, and climate-change issues, was described perfectly by the Uncertainty Principle, which was formulated by Heisenberg in 1927,” the Professor explained. “Elemental particles exhibit the properties of both a wave and a solid, but that’s a parlor trick compared to the ability to enthusiastically embrace contradictory positions on major issues. This “quantum weaseliness,” coupled with an electorate that has largely erased any recollection of the faith-based disasters of the Bush years, is thought to have been a large factor in Romney’s win/loss.
Potential former President Obama, squeaked out/suffered a narrow victory/defeat, which most analysts attribute to his Affordable Care Act/slow economic recovery/oversize ears. “Many of the infinite potential universes we might face will benefit greatly from the work we’ve done,” he said. “I look forward to the challenge of building consensus between ourselves and a rabidly anti-government obstructionist opposition/spending more time with my family. “