A woman’s work is lots of fun!

“There is in this world no function more important than that of being charming.” —Victor Hugo

There’s a book out there meant to guide us in all aspects of life; a book that teaches us how to be worthy, faithful, deserving; how to obtain eternal, celestial happiness and love; THE book without which we would be damned to misery and suffering.

A book providing all necessary wisdom so that you too might be elevated, chosen, and sublimely grateful to the one who will guide you from this life to the next.

Your husband.

Queer friends…raise a glass to dodging this bullet.

I came across Fascinating Womanhood while lost in a cult rabbit hole. It is required reading for young brides within a certain religious sect that promotes, amongst other ideals, polygamy.

When one has to compete with 1 or 25 other wives, it is imperative to wield all power, utilize every skill, and work every charm in order to get ahead of the pack and stay there. The competition is fierce; a playbook is a necessity.

A how-to for one-upping your sister-wives. But Helen B. Andelin’s wisdom is relevant to even the lone wife. The only wife. Any woman. Every woman.

A singular woman has no one with whom to share the burden or delights of being all things to one man; the complete package. She alone must become… Fascinating.

“Angela Human”

Previously unbeknownst to me, Angela Human is man’s ideal. “The Angelic side of woman arouses in a man a feeling approaching worship…bringing peace and happiness.” Angelic qualities include, but are not limited to, “having a worthy character and being a Domestic Goddess.”

Human qualities meant to “fascinate, amuse, captivate, and enchant” a man include “childlikeness and a fresh appearance.”

Why become Angela Human?

“To be loved and cherished is a woman’s highest goal in marriage. This book is written to restore your hope in such a goal – and to suggest principles which you must apply in winning a man’s genuine love.”

Ah. Right.

Achieving marital harmony begins with, “Be(ing) skilled in the feminine arts of the household, caring for children, handling money wisely, and doing more than is required.” But, she is adamant that we not step outside of our bounds; not dabble in the masculine realm, “Get out of the leadership role. Stop giving him suggestions. If you obey your husband, even if you disagree, things will turn out all right. Adapt to the conditions your husband provides for you, and don’t have preconceived ideas about what you want or plan for your children.”

*I was admonished, as my spouse was disposing of me, that, “(I) just don’t listen, and that, “These are the consequences of you not doing what you’re told.”

Well, shitdamn – if I’d only found Fascinating Womanhood sooner.

A total of 220 pages full of wisdom and insight, including references to Victor Hugo and Dickens, detailing how to become Angela Human. I offer a smattering of her priceless advice, in no particular order; enough to get you ladies started on your road to redemption; enough to get you men on the road to marital bliss.

“Women, don’t be capable and appear to kill your own snakes.”

Dependency and faint-heartedness are your friends. Choose to be a frail woman in need of rescuing by a man.

But, do NOT, under any circumstances, be weak when it comes to your daily domestic goddess duties, which are, in this order:

  • Appearance
  • Good meals, on time
  • House neat and tidy
  • Washing and ironing
  • Imperative shopping Does this include TJ Maxx?

“There are women who delight in scrubbing the floors and wall, washing and ironing, and cleaning closets.”

Who are these women and what is wrong with them?

Eliminate masculine tasks and duties, but if you are stuck with something say, “I am certainly happy that I have a man to do the things which I cannot do…will you please loan me your muscular strength for I don’t believe I can lift this.”

One gal’s success story tells of maintaining necessary balance in her home by intentionally putting a cup holder on the wall upside down, successfully feeding her husband’s fragile ego.

And she got a brand-new Dixie cup dispenser. Oh Joy!

The angelic qualities of dependency and domesticity are not all that secure a man’s heart and adoration. Human virtues such as the “quality of childlikeness” in emotions, manner, appearance, and in anger and asking for things are also necessities.

We seek to be “adorable when angry” just like a pouty child.

Because that’s my ultimate goal when I am pissed off.

Apparently if I “stomp my foot and shake my curls” my husband will find me irresistible and acquiesce to any of my demands. If they are not unreasonable, and if they benefit him.

This is particularly effective when wearing “childlike clothing.”

Which isn’t creepy at all. Especially considering the high number of child brides reading this book.

When asking for things from your patriarch, (and you must ask because nothing is rightfully yours) you must be unwavering in your femininity. But remember, “If you use a feminine approach and the man says no, you can count on it that your request has been unfair or selfish.”

Your devoted husband may also be apt to say no “when you have not been doing your part as wife…you are selfish, neglectful of your home and appearance, will not fix your husband his meals on time, and (worst of all) have failed to become fascinating.”

What if he doesn’t give you anything?

“Examine the matter. It may be your own fault…because sometime in the past you failed to receive a gift with appreciation.” And lest you forget, “It is important to understand that it is a male characteristic to be negligent about gift-giving.” So suck it up, Buttercup.

For those women whose husbands are beyond negligent, perhaps even abusive:

“Often men’s ugly and cruel actions are the woman’s fault and are due to her lack of sympathetic understanding, her failure to appreciate and admire him, her inability to accept him at face value, to place him number one, or she has failed in her general duties as a wife, which are:

  • A supporting role to husband • Loving companion
  • Sex partner
  • Queen of her household She writes, “The first two of the above duties are covered in this book. The fourth is an essential part of woman’s role in the home.”

Uh, number 3?!?!?!

So there you have it, ladies. Although Fascinating Womanhood teaches us nothing about our conjugal duties, there is a treasure trove of valuable wisdom within these bound pages. With the key to eternal happiness now in your possession, you too can be blissfully contented while on your knees scrubbing the floors in your school-girl kilt.

Now that would be fascinating, wouldn’t it? Suzanne Strazza writes from Montezuma County, Colo.

From Suzanne Strazza.