Category Archives: Zach Hively

I have a business proposition for you: Whatever you’re paying me for this column, double it. In exchange, you’ll get to write it yourself. This model works, because it’s the same one I used recently to make my own hat. … Continue reading →

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, be­cause it spares me coming up with an origi­nal thought: I was an English major for a reason, and that reason is power tools. Now don’t get me wrong — I … Continue reading →

I have never shopped the black market be­fore, but I understand the experience, now that I keep bees. Really, there is no way to buy an animal with cash from someone’s garage — some­one who just drove overnight from Califor­nia … Continue reading →

Let me start by thanking everyone who contacted me after my previous column, in which I lamented how age plus a pandemic turned my physique from a thin-crust pizza to a stuffed-crust pizza. I especially want to thank those who … Continue reading →

Welp, it finally happened. After 15 months, I finally had to put on pants. Technically I did not HAVE to. No one made me drive to Albuquerque for the first really-real not-in-someone’s-kitchen pants-required tango milonga in these parts since about … Continue reading →

I know this will be tough to hear, coming from someone as infallible as I am, but you deserve to hear it from me: sometimes, I rub people the wrong way. I wouldn’t say I offend them, exactly, be­cause that … Continue reading →

A friend recently shared her summary of the writings of some old white dude with some old white-dude name. He posits, in a totally old-white-dude way, that animals can­not have thoughts because they do not have words to think them. … Continue reading →

The world as we know it is about to come crashing down. People will expose themselves on the streets. Lions will lie with lambs. Restaurants will cease to offer curbside pickup, and we — the meek, the quiet, the introvert­ed … Continue reading →

Homeowner’s log, Earth date 2020.02.21, 1200 hours: Once again, I must report the trespasses of my neighbor. Let’s continue to call him Jerry (which is not his real name) in case he surprises me by reading this newspaper, or reading … Continue reading →

If reading is the cure for ignorance, then how do I know nearly nothing about fonts? Literally every printed word I have ever read — including that one entire book I finished in high school English — was in a … Continue reading →

Everyone in the US of A is on edge. Not only is a global pandemic going on, ten months after we thought it would be finished in two weeks, but we still won’t know for months who is the true, … Continue reading →

Perhaps everyone has a moment when they realize their upbringing was, in a word, screwed up. My moment was learning that other people’s Santa Clauses do not have a little alien friend who lives in Saint Nick’s knee pocket. Now … Continue reading →

Some people think me strange. Full stop. But especially now, because I’m doing quite well during the Undoubtedly Worst Year in Recorded Human History So Far (21st Century Edition). I’m embracing being a socially-distanced hermit, and learning who the bigots … Continue reading →

Hey kids! Let’s talk about plant sex. Namely, how my plants are not having any. This topic is my chance to run a correction for a piece I wrote earlier this summer— or, factoring in 2020 time conversion, approximately 17 … Continue reading →

I have wanted to take my father paddleboarding for approximately six and a quarter years now. That’s longer ago than my first paddleboard ride. Before I even tried it myself, I wanted to take him with me. That’s how much … Continue reading →

In the midst of a global pandemic and all its repercussions, I resolved to take bold steps. Think beyond wearing a mask even though it could get me shot, I said to myself. Think beyond disinfecting my hands even though … Continue reading →

I have been gardening now for two days, and already I wonder how humankind ever survived rabbits. Oh, I have dabbled in gardening before. At various rentals, I planted pumpkins in pots and radishes in the landlord’s raised box, and … Continue reading →

My little sister has really big news—like, first-grandbaby-in-the-family level news— but she has made me promise not to say anything about it until she tells the rest of the extended family. So guess what? I’m not going to be an … Continue reading →

I know many writers—myself, and probably some others too—who never publish about the things they love the most. One might think that these subjects feel too vulnerable to discuss so openly, or that the topics that interest us writers lack … Continue reading →

I grew up as a labelmaker kid. Unlike a lot of facts of my childhood, my parents can’t take credit for messing me up with this one. It had nothing to do with their tactics or baggage. This was simply … Continue reading →

Many people set New Year’s resolutions to burn off all the gratuitous food they ate over the holiday season, which currently extends from Valentine’s Day through to Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I, however, am opposed to setting myself up … Continue reading →

I for one am fascinated by the ever-evolving dynamics of gender identity. Being a human being is quite unlike being an NFL fan—it is possible for one person to encompass aspects of male and female and everything in between, whereas … Continue reading →

Allow me to start by saying that I am not afraid to get my hands dirty. I made mud pies once, same as any other kid. I took money — money that our family dog had eaten and fully digested … Continue reading →

Some people impulse-buy tennis shoes, or candy, or Shaquille O’Neal bobbleheads. I don’t pretend to understand the complex psychological phenomena that underlie impulse purchasing, except to know that I don’t experience any of them. I get to rest easy knowing … Continue reading →

My mother recently sent me a link in an email. Now I know that when mothers send links in emails, the links usually lead to videos that were funny in 2004, or expired pages on their local newspapers’ websites, or … Continue reading →

I just wrapped up my first-ever tour as a performing musician, and I am here to tell you that the lifestyle is every bit as sexy, glamorous, and dramatic as you imagine it is. Groupies. Parties spilling into hotel hallways. … Continue reading →

Of all the great journeys man and dog can partake in together, I am about to embark on one of the warmest, wildest, and most personal of all. Trust me when I say that I have no idea who my … Continue reading →

I have decided that the mark of adulthood is not a steady job or a retirement plan. Nor is it buying my own groceries and forgetting my family’s birthdays all by myself. No, I will finally be an adult when … Continue reading →

In this column, I have summed up how to fill your space with items in a way that will change your life forever. Can’t be done? I bet I’ll get that a lot and it makes sense, considering that almost … Continue reading →

This week, I had an essay turned down by a literary publication for bordering on “the sentimental.” I’m not entirely certain what the editors mean by “the sentimental,” but let me assure you that they were generous and kind and … Continue reading →

I recently broke the most universally applicable, insightful, and helpful advice I’ve ever heard. It didn’t come from a rabbi or a Hallmark card. It didn’t come from Mr. Rogers or a scout leader or an elderly neighbor. It certainly … Continue reading →

My avid readers across the country — one of whom isn’t even related to me — often comment to me on my distinct voice. At first I took this as an insult, the equivalent of saying I have a face … Continue reading →

As expert recording artists, my bandmate and I recently booked our first-ever studio time. Some people think we are jumping ahead, because we have not even played our first gig yet. (That’s on Nov. 8 in Durango at The Listening … Continue reading →

The Spanish language is in my bloodstream. I grew up in New Mexico; Spanish was a part of daily life, from the street signs in my neighborhood to the street signs in other neighborhoods. However, just because it’s in my … Continue reading →

There comes a time in all writers’ lives when, after years of studying the craft and traveling the world to gather new experiences, their art and their career culminate in that kismet moment called “I have aspired to define my … Continue reading →

If there’s one thing I’m tired of, it’s people older than me complaining about kids these days. Kids these days don’t know how to have respect. Kids these days are afraid to get their hands dirty. Kids these days are … Continue reading →

Good news! I believe I am now an official local celebrity, because I was asked to judge an elementary school dance-off. The dance-off is the culmination of an annual program in the schools called Take the Lead. The program’s reputation … Continue reading →

A lot of you have followed my dog Wally’s story on this page for more than two years now. And since last summer you’ve kept tabs on his post-cancer-diagnosis Doggie Bucket List adventures, when all our Someday Things became Right … Continue reading →

I had one of my most brilliant and most heroic ideas last week immediately after finishing a grueling bike ride. Normally my brilliant and heroic ideas come during grueling bike rides, rather than after. After grueling bike rides, all I … Continue reading →

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the surest way to prevent one from singing well is to tell one during one’s youth that one cannot sing, as a means of stopping one from singing “On Top of Spaghetti All … Continue reading →