As the most famous journalist in America, I was able to interview Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.
Me: There was a recent incident in Orlando, Florida –
Trump: It was just terrible. So bad. It’s Obama’s fault.
Me: I was referring to the little boy killed by an alligator at Disneyworld. How was that Obama’s fault?
Trump: Obama’s a weak leader. He’s weak and our enemies know it. Why won’t Obama call them what they are – Islamic alligator terrorists? There’s something going on there. Something’s wrong there, I tell you. Does Obama support Islamic alligators? I don’t know, but some people think he does. Do they have alligators in Kenya?
Me: I think they have crocs.
Trump: I don’t care about his shoes. He probably wears something made in China. You won’t see that when I’m president. China is raping our economy. I’ll renegotiate all our trade deals. I’ll get a fantastic trade deal. It’ll be really great. The best trade deal ever. If China doesn’t like it, I’ll build a wall along their border.
Me: They already have a Great Wall.
Trump: China may have a good wall, but let me tell you, it isn’t great. Now when I build a wall, it’ll be the best wall ever, just a great wall. There’ll be a glowing sign on top of it saying Trump Wall.
Me: Earlier you seemed to suggest that Obama was born in Kenya?
Trump: I hired investigators to track down Obama’s birth certificate. They found something. Some people – and they’re great people, just fantastic – tell me Obama was born In Kenya.
Me: He was born in Hawaii.
Trump: Ah, ha! I knew he wasn’t born in America! To be president you have to be born in America, like Lyin’ Ted.
Me: Ted Cruz was born in Canada.
Trump: When I’m president I’ll make Canada a state. They’ll be so happy, you won’t believe it. It’ll be fantastic.
Me: Getting back to Orlando, what are your thoughts on the Pulse nightclub shooting?
Trump: It was a terrible thing. A travesty. It’s unreal that Obama lets Afghan terrorists enter the country.
Me: The shooter was born in America.
Trump: When I’m president I’ll ban all Muslims from entering the U.S.
Me: Isn’t that discrimination?
Trump: No it isn’t. I said ALL Muslims. If I said some Muslims, that would be discrimination. But when you say all, it’s not. I’ll ban all Muslims, from alligators to Afghans.
Me: The polls suggest that you have a problem with women.
Trump: I don’t have a problem with women. My hands are a good size, I can assure you of that. Have you seen the women I’ve been with? All beautiful. Very attractive. I don’t hang around with dogs. I mean did you see Carly Fiorina? I wouldn’t date her even if she had two bags over her head. And Rosie O’Donnell? Some men like fat, ugly women. I don’t. When I’m president I’ll add a constitutional amendment that all women have to be slim and gorgeous. I mean look at my daughter – she’s a real hottie. Am I right? She’s a total babe. If I wasn’t her father, I’d be her sugar daddy. You know what I mean?
Me: Some people have suggested that you encourage violence at your rallies.
Trump: That’s not true. My rallies are fantastic, just great. If some protester gets punched in the face now and then, that’s great, too. I’m renting the venue and protesters don’t have any right to interrupt my rallies. I tell my people not to worry about paying fines, I got their back.
Me: That sounds like you are telling your supporters to attack the protesters.
Trump: Look. I rent a place. I get to talk. Protesters start chanting and shouting and they interfere with my freedom of speech. So I say kick them in the butt, kick them out into the streets.
Me: What about their freedom of speech?
Trump: As long as they shut up when I’m speaking, they can think whatever they want. I love dumb people, I can promise you that. And dumb people love me …
John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at http://authorjohnchopkins.blogspot.com.