Lessons learned from the last four years

I have recently had the opportunity (chore) of rereading everything that I have written in the last four years. I have come away with several thoughts, a few of which I am going to share, here, with you.

A – I am completely self-absorbed. When people ask me what I write about, I respond, “Me and how fabulous I am.” Apparently, I believe that I am all that and more.

B – I also happen to believe that I am the female David Sedaris. I am witty, raw, honest, and can make a very ordinary event, extraordinary. (See A.)

C – I clearly have some themes to my writing, and I guess my life. I would like to point some of these out to you and perhaps give you an update on where they are today.

1 – I can’t stand my ex-husband and we fight all of the time. Nothing has changed. Probably, nothing will change.

2 – I love sex. Again, nothing has changed nor will it.

3 – I am not particularly fond of my ex-boyfriend. I wasn’t for 20 years, then I was, and now I am not again for at least another 20.

4 – I am a terrible housewife. I repeat: Terrible. That has only gotten worse. I have a friend coming to visit today who will not be allowed in the house because of my housekeeping inabilities and disinterest.

5 – I refer to my cats a lot, making it seem like I have the potential to be the crazy cat lady. Not there yet and I plan to keep it that way.

6 – I am the mother of three stinky, sweaty, potty-mouthed teenaged boys. I talk about them more than my cats (thank goodness.) They talk back, break the rules, make a huge mess in the house and I love them all more than I can describe. These three will be a theme probably forever. Let’s just hope that they aren’t living with me forever.

7 – I am an athlete. A runner to be exact. And actually, the reality is, I used to be and now I stroll, if I even go outside. I have way too many aches and pains and have become too lazy to consider myself to be a runner. Although, when I do pick up the pace a little bit, it makes me happy and I think that I could do it again. And then I don’t.

8 – My boobs sag. Only getting worse.

9 – I watch a lot of football. Talk about a lot of football. Eat, drink, and sleep football. Football runs my home. Football runs my life. Football is more important than anything else, including grades. Keeping my fingers crossed that some day this too, will change.

10 – I am introverted. Actually becoming scarily so. There are people out there who say, “Oh, Suz, you aren’t an introvert, I’ve seen how you are around people.” Who the F#@$ thinks they know me better than I know myself ? People like that just make me want to hole up more. This situation is bound to only get bigger and more intense.

11 – I can’t get by without my morning coffee. Finding out the best, easiest and most convenient way to get it has been an ongoing process of trial and error. For the time being, my percolator-on-a-timer is doing the trick. Just FYI – if we have sex, you need to bring me coffee in bed. It’s required.

12 – I have a debilitating fear of my ass becoming flat. This is why Number 7 is an ongoing issue.

13 – I love the desert. Love the sand, the heat, the rock, the barren emptiness, the solitude and the stars. I love cactus. I love to lie naked on the slickrock, I love to run or hike until my toenails fall off. If there is a good visitors center nearby, my life feels complete.

14 – Bridget Jones – I have a terrible tendency to throw a good quote into a conversation – a reference that usually only I get.

15 – Pride and Prejudice – same.

16 – Colin Firth (a common denominator in 14 and 15). He is the perfect man. I also happen to know that when he and I finally meet, he will love me ardently.

17 – I don’t shower frequently. I thought that when I cut off my hair it would require me to bathe a bit more since I can no longer pull it back into a ponytail. Turns out I was wrong. Now I just don’t give a shit if it looks greasy or not. This might inhibit getting any of Number 2.

So after four years, I haven’t really moved forward. Not really slipped backwards either, which I guess is a good thing. I might be a little bit dirtier but the kids shower all of the time so doesn’t that balance things out? Besides, if I am not running, I’m not getting all that stinky.

I am flatter, saggier and more dependent on caffeine. Yet I still believe that Colin Firth will love me just as I am.

My house is a piggery and everything that isn’t coated with cat hair is covered with dirty clothes and dirty dishes. As long as we can push everything out of the way to watch football, no one cares.

My relationships with my exes are less than desirable, thus reminding me of why they are exes and insuring that they always will be.

And that’s where my life is today – just in case you were wondering. Quite enviable, I know.

Suzanne Strazza is an award-winning writer in Mancos, Colo. See her blog at www.singleinthesouthwest. com

From Suzanne Strazza.