Hello, friends, Dr. Peter Bigg-Pickle here. I am the Federal Official of Length (FOOL).
It was recently brought to my attention that porn star Stormy Daniels publicly insinuated that President Donald Trump was lacking size in one particular area of his otherwise manly anatomy.
As the nation’s FOOL, it is my duty to dispel misconceptions relating to the length of things. Never allow a disgruntled woman’s puerile and juvenile denial of your man-size to be the final word on the subject.
As Americans, we tend to think that “bigger is better.” But is it?
If there was a cuddly kitten on your lap you would probably pet it and say, “Hello, Kitty!” But switch that soft kitty with a wrinkly rhino and you’d be yelling, “Help!” If you were still alive, that is. So, you see, bigger doesn’t always equal better.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Why is Dr. Bigg-Pickle defending those unfortunate men with small appendages?” Maybe you think I’m one of them? Well, I can put your minds at ease on that score. I’m no Vienna wiener; nor an Anthony Wiener, for that matter.
But, neither am I some narcissistic Jumbo Frank.
I’m more like a regular old bun-length hot dog.
I’m not bragging, mind you; but I can hold my own.
And often have.
You can’t judge a book by its cover, or a man by his size.
Did Andre the Giant live up to his name in EVERY area? I don’t know, but I’m just glad I didn’t have to share a prison cell with him!
And what about Tiny Tim? Was he accurately named? We don’t know, though he did like to tiptoe through the tulips.
Think of me as the Statue of Liberty: Give me your wretched, your poorly endowed, and I grant them a lifetime of freedom from self-doubt and embarrassment.
That’s why I am proud to introduce “Dr. Bigg-Pickle’s MAGA Program.”
MAGA – Making Anatomy Grow Again – is the product for any man out there with size sensitivity. Instead of a little blue pill, it’s time to wear a big red hat. (Overly long tie is optional.)
Don’t be defined by what you’re lacking; it’s time to show the ladies what you’re packing!
With Dr. Bigg-Pickle’s MAGA Program you can keep embarrassing gossip away simply by building a wall in your underwear. (And Mexico will pay for it!)
But don’t just take my word for it! Here are some letters from satisfied customers:
“Dear Dr. Bigg-Pickle: I saw Uncle John with long, tall Sally; he saw Aunt Mary coming and ducked back in the alley … but your product worked so well that part of him stuck out like a sore thumb!” Signed, Little Richard.
“Dear Dr. Bigg-Pickle: Your MAGA Program is fabulous. I haven’t had this much confidence since I was a munchkin on the Yellow Brick Road!” Signed, Naughty Shorty.
“Dear Dr. Bigg-Pickle: Your MAGA Program isn’t fake news! Great work. Keep it up!” Signed, 45.
“Dear Dr. Bigg-Pickle: I used to feel like Little Boy Blue, but thanks to your MAGA Program it’s a different story!” Signed, Booty and the Beast.
For more information please contact: Dr. Peter Bigg-Pickle at the Department Of Penile Enhancement.
John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at http://authorjohnchopkins.blogspot.com.