Schmitt happens

By now you’ve probably heard all about how President Donald Trump referred to African nations as “Schmittholes.”

Were you outraged?

You shouldn’t have been. I mean you should expect a potty mouth from someone who has “rump” in his name, right?

Look at me. My name is John and I’ve made my share of schmitty jokes. Not on purpose, but, hey, Schmitt happens!

Of course it’s less cool when the person with Schmitt on his lips is the president of the United States. (Now POTUS stands for President of the Uttered Schmitthole.)

The world was justifiably outraged. The Schmitt really hit the fan.

But not his fans. To them, The Donald can do no wrong.

Make fun of handicapped people? Trumpheads think it’s funny.

Argue with our closest allies? Hey, he speaks his mind! Curiously the one country he tiptoes around is Russia. It’s like The Donald’s new favorite song is “Putin on the Ritz.”

Brag about sexually assaulting women? Oh, it’s just locker-room talk.

Pay off a porn star to keep her quiet about an affair? Hey, he’s contributing to the economy.

Secret backroom deals with Russians? FAKE NEWS!

Make racist comments? Oh, no, he didn’t …

Two Republican “leaders” who were in the room said they didn’t remember what Trump said. But, three days later, both had an epiphany and suddenly remembered that The Donald didn’t say “Schmitthole,” he said “Schmitthouse!”

Liberals roll their eyes and ask if that’s any better. Well, actually, it is. The only difference is the second part of the phrase, and “hole” sounds so cold and unappealing. Like a grave. But “house” is warm and comforting.

Look, you wouldn’t want to eat at a place called Schmitthole, would you? But, now think of a neon sign proclaiming Schmitthouse. Makes you hungry doesn’t it? Maybe it serves Schmitt on a shingle?

What about the president’s promise to appoint only “the best” people? One of those “best” people was Carl Higbie, who recently resigned after recordings emerged of him making sexist, racist and anti-Muslim comments. And worse.

Higbie is on tape saying Americans ought to be able to line up on the southern border and shoot down people trying to cross the Rio Grande.

Does that fit in with Christian values?

Still, some think that Trump walks on water. (If so, it’s because the water will be crusted over from all the oil spills his policies will lead to.)

The Donald has been the greatest bullSchmitter in U.S. political history, but his supporters don’t see it. He said he’d build a wall and Mexico would pay for it. But Mexico wanted nothing to do with that Schmitt. Now Trump wants U.S. citizens to pony up $18 billion for the wall! Once again, taxpayers may find themselves up Schmitt Creek without a paddle.

Trump brags that he’s the greatest dealmaker ever, but a year into his presidency it appears that he can’t even deal a deck of cards.

There are those who apparently swoon to the perfume of corruption, self-aggrandizement and using political office for personal gain. Too many Americans swill the Trump elixir of misogyny, racism and hate, and it leaves them Schmittfaced (and wearing Make America Great Again caps.)

After all the bizarre, narcissistic tweets and bald-faced lies, I can’t understand why anyone would still be a Trump goosestepper.

Unless, maybe, they like Schmitt?

John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at

From John Christian Hopkins.