Stream of consciousness

Why is it so difficult for me to get motivated sometimes? Running makes me so happy. I should really do this everyday.

Why do those first steps hurt so much? God, my back is all cattywhumpus. Pearl Jam. I’m totally rocking out. I am so cool. I have the best taste in music. I’m totally eclectic.

Maybe I should listen to the B-52’s. They always make me think of Lucy. And nights in Martha’s Vineyard sitting in the lifeguard stands. I wonder what happened to Andy? F#$k my ankle just turned again. At least I didn’t eat shit. How cool is it that I still remember all of the words to “Rock Lobster”?

I should call Lucy. Oh she’s in Africa, guess I’m not calling. I really need to go visit her. No one should have a friend who lives in Africa and not take full advantage of it. I wish I could travel more. That’s what Ex and I always talked about doing, but somehow it never happened. You know what, F$%k my Ex. I’m not going to ruin my run thinking about him. Especially not while I have the cutest, best man in the world.

Common. I want to listen to Common. Shitdamn, I have to dig this thing out of the pocket on my ass. Might as well pee for the 15 hundredth time. This is when mountain lions like to attack – when a woman is squatting down to pee and is totally vulnerable. Oh wait, that’s real lions. Like in Africa. Got to get to Africa. Okay, Common. C. Shit, how did I end up in the T’s? Scroll. There it is.

I should pee again before I go. Water? Nah, I’ll just have to pee again. Would everything hurt less if I drank water? Probably, but I already pee too much. Common is so hot. I could date him. Could I fit into his world? Is his world really the drug, P@#$y, and gun-filled world that he sings about? No, he wears horn-rimmed glasses. But I could be the hip white girl hanging out in the VIP section with my big man Common.

What would I wear? Sparkle Jeans. No, that’s kind of more cowgirl. I am really turning into a cowgirl living out here, aren’t I? Yep. Doesn’t matter if I haven’t branded in two years or been on a horse in 10. And most of my friends are hippies. I can still totally pull off the cowgirl thing. I went to the rodeo. I knew someone riding. Well, mutton busting. And he was 4. Still.

But Cowgirl and Hip Hop? JayZ and Dolly. I really am so cool and eclectic. It’s the artist in me. Am I an artist? Yeah. Duh. That’s why I am so scattered and my house is a wreck and things slip through the cracks all the time. My brain is just more focused on creative endeavors. Not the mundane. Is that an excuse? No. Uh-oh, tree root. Shit, my pacing is off. Shit I can’t…Dammit. My knee is bleeding. I want to cry. I wish A would run by so I could cry to her. My knee hurts. Is this enough to stop running? Or is that being a puss? Think about what a badass I’ll be if I keep running and go home with blood running down my leg. Come on, start dripping so I look cool.

Pee. Change music again. Dolly, always the go-to. She’s so cool. Who doesn’t love Dolly? Thank goodness My Cute Boyfriend (MCB) loves Dolly. I might have to break up with him if he didn’t. I couldn’t break up with him. Who am I kidding? Is he going to break up with me? It would suck since we now live together. The kids would be crushed. They like him so much. Oh shit. I need to get them to the dentist. Call when you get back, Suzanne. Oh, can’t. It’s Saturday. Okay. Write that down. Pen in pocket with iPod. And I thought that was supposed to be a weed pocket. Who knew? Yep. Writing on my thigh. This is so much better than trying to carry a pen and paper. I’m actually a genius for figuring this out since my best writing comes from running.

Speaking of that, I need to write a column. What should I write about? Probably running. Maybe some of the shit that goes through my brain when I run. What was that? Mountain lion? Everyone makes fun of my thing about mountain lions. It will serve them right when I get eaten. At least K believes me. Do I want to go that way? I used to think I was better off without music so that I could hear the cat creeping up on me. Now I’m thinking that it would be better if I didn’t hear and just died from a bite to the jugular, never knowing what hit me.

I guess I’m still not sure about this iPod thing. I always said that I just wanted to hear the birds sing and the wind in the pines. I want to be at one with Nature. But it does distract me a bit. Write about that.

Get the pen. Left thigh now. No space left on the right. I should do my nails. Why do I love nail polish so much? I always have. Does that make me high-needs? I don’t wear any other make-up. Thank goodness for colors other than red. Makes my hands look pale. I should pick some flowers for MCB. Now I’m running with a bouquet. Runaway Bride. HA! Julia Roberts and I could be friends. I think she’d like hanging out with me.

There’s that “Butterfly” song of Dolly’s. Only one I can’t really hang with. Ouch. Just ended that in a preposition. Only one with which I can’t really hang. When did I turn into such a grammar nerd? Nazi, actually. I think I annoy people. Not MCB though. Sometimes he’s even more of a Nazi than I am. I still wonder about bring vs. take. I think sometimes I can say bring and he’s wrong about correcting me. I need to look that up when I get home. Better write that one down. I’ll forget.

I can’t believe how tired my arms get now. They didn’t used to. I’m getting old. I should forgive myself. I’m almost 50 – I think I’m doing pretty well. Yeah, but not compared to BG. He’s running the f—ing Hardrock. Yeah, but I don’t like running with people. Nice. Really? That’s your excuse? Oh, god, seriously, you’re dancing on the trail. You’re not really that great of a dancer too. Maybe dancing to the Dead, but no other kind. You’re sort of embarrassing. What I wouldn’t give to experience one more show. I’d even eat mushrooms for that.

No, I wouldn’t. I would be such a freak on drugs. I’m too old and stressed out and responsible for substances now. I’d be miserable. I guess it doesn’t matter since Jerry is dead.

What’s for dinner? Sometimes I just don’t want to cook. What color am I going to paint my nails? That blue is so yummy. I really want to paint the kitchen that color. I wonder if the landlord would let us paint? If I can’t be bothered to cook how do I think I’m going to paint? Oh dammit, my f—ing toenail is about to fall off again. It hasn’t done that in a while. That’s because I haven’t been a running fool in a while. Man, when I say, yeah, I ran with my knees all bloody AND a missing toenail, I’m going to look so badass. Or stupid. Probably more stupid. Or spastic.

When am I going to get back to the trailhead? I’m totally whooped. I want to be finished. Can I take a nap? That’s the beauty of running. Post-run nap and eating copious amounts of food. Remember when E said that he ran to connect with the spiritual and I said that I run so that food tastes that much better? Shallow.

Here it is, that last hill. Almost finished. I should text MCB, see if we need anything from the P&D. I could use a coke with ice. F@#$! That wasn’t the last hill. I always think that. Okay, one more hill. Then I’ll be at the truck. Why’d You Come Here Lookin’ Like That. Can I drive with headphones? No. Too dangerous. I’ll just run again tomorrow so I can hear it again. Charge iPod. Put that on the thigh too. Oh thank god. Trailhead. Body exhausted. Brain Frazzled.

Suzanne Strazza is an award-winning writer from Mancos, Colo.

From Suzanne Strazza.