Suspicious minds

Two black guys walk into a Starbuck’s …

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

I mean, we’ve been inundated recently with frightened (?) white people calling the police to report black people for suspicious behavior, such as golfing too slow, leaving an AirBnB rental or having a cookout.

Of course, those loony liberals are quick to call it racism.

Everything is racist these days.

Just because you think undocumented immigrants are animals and criminals does not necessarily make you a racist. Besides, you’re not talking about all immigrants – just those from bleephole countries. People from Sweden are okay.

Instead of mocking those good citizens that call the police when they see a black person refusing to pay for a plastic fork at a Waffle House or trying to use their gym membership during white people hours, I think we should all embrace that attitude.

See something, say something, right?

There are plenty of things that make me nervous and from now on I’m going to call the police when they happen.

I get the heebie jeebies when I see a vegetarian eating at the same restaurant I’m at. I mean, what if their zucchini touches my hamburger? Eww.

And I definitely don’t want beet juice on my French fries.

I’m just giving fair warning, folks. I’m going to be looking out for people doing things that make me nervous.

If I see you jogging, I have every reason to believe that you’re fleeing a crime scene. In slow motion.

We can’t have suspicious joggers on our streets. The police should be notified so they can check it out. I mean, what if a jogger is escaping a wave of zombies?

We need to know if zombies are on the loose, and we can’t be sure unless the police come and check it out.

Did you see where an immigration agent detained two American citizens because he overheard them speaking Spanish?

Good man! We all must be vigilant on immigration issues.

That’s why I’m going to hang out at Taco Bell and call the police if I hear anyone using Spanish words like “burrito” or “tostada.”

I’m always been suspicious of that Jimmy Chonga guy anyway. I always hear his name at Mexican restaurants, but who is he? Does he have a green card?

Oh, I can’t wait until the next time I see someone eating a corn dog. I’ll be on my phone so fast, I tell you what.

That really makes me nervous. I have nothing against eating corn, but I’m suspicious of people that want to eat their dogs. Doubly so for those people who think they’re sneaky by hiding their dogs inside of corn.

Living on the Navajo reservation I see lots of white people walking around with cameras. That’s pretty suspicious, right?

What are they taking photos of? And who are they sending those pictures to – Wikileaks? The Kremlin?

No, no no. The world has gotten dangerous and we must all be hyper vigilant. I’m going to keep my eyes open from now on.

I think I’m going to put the FBI on my speed dial.

You think I’m kidding?

Let me see you eating carrot sticks in public.

I dare you!

John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at

From John Christian Hopkins.