Regular readers of the Four Corners Free Press have probably wondered why they haven’t heard from me in a while.
Well, I was on special assignment to dig up dirt on former Vice President Joe Biden. I planned to give the dirt to President Donald Trump in return for a one-on- one interview.
But where to look for dirt on Biden? I checked his driveway, but it was paved. Not a speck of dirt to be found. Next I managed to watch his fingers during a Democratic debate. No dirt under his nails!
Finally I turned to my mysterious new Twitter friend, Pierre Delecto. I don’t know much about him, other than that he seems to really like Mitt Romney for some reason. But Pierre Delecto gave me a lead to follow up on.
I checked the tread on Biden’s tires and I found dirt. And you know who else has dirt?
Bingo, bango – proof of Biden’s Ukraine tango.
Next thing you know, ol’ Jed’s a millionaire … oh, wait, wrong story. Being a stable genius, Trump recognized the importance of my evidence and, in gratitude, sat down for an interview.
JCH: Nice to meet you, Mr. President— Prez: Quiet, I’m watching Hannity.
JCH: You’re the greatest president ever. Much better than that guy from Kenya.
Prez: (Turns off TV) Finally, someone that gets me!
JCH: What’s happening with this Ukraine probe?
Prez: It’s a witch hunt! This whole squid-pro- crows stuff is fake news! It doesn’t even make sense – why would a squid be in favor of crows?
JCH: Do you plan to pardon a turkey this Thanksgiving?
Prez: If I have to, but they don’t have anything on Rudy. Rudy is America’s mayor, he’s much more bigly respected than Shifty Schiff or Pocahontas.
JCH: Isn’t that racist?
Prez: I’m the least racist person you’ve ever met. My housekeeper, Margarita or Tequila, or whatever, she says, ‘Sir. thank you for hiring me’. She respects me so much, every time I walk past her she whispers ‘muy gordo’. Many people tell me that means I’m great.
JCH: Do you pay your housekeeper the minimum wage?
Prez: As minimum as I can. I give her $1.25—
JCH: An hour?
Prez: No, no. That’s her weekly take-home. I might raise her pay to $1.50 because she keeps my house so spic and Spanish.
JCH: But that salary is niggardly.
Prez: You said it, I didn’t. I don’t use that kind of language. Besides I would never pay a niggard that much.
JCH: Um, no. Niggardly means cheap.
Prez: Oh, niggardlies are cheap. They just want everything handed to them. But they’re not the worst. Try leaving a Chinese restaurant when you’re a penny short. Some karate kid will chase you with his numchucks!
JCH: Some people feel like you lack empathy, like the time you mocked a disabled person.
Prez: Well, only namby pambies think like that. Not real Americans. Besides, that wasn’t a person, it was a reporter – and they are the enemies of the people. When the Fake News writes something bad about your president that should be treated as treason. Fake News people should all be locked up and executed.
JCH: What about the First Amendment?
Prez: I believe in all the commandments.
JCH: But you’ve broken most of them.
Prez: The commandments are just suggestions, it’s not like they are written in stone.
JCH: Finally, Mr. President, what do you say to the people who claim that you tell too many falsehoods?
Prez: Go covfefe yourself.
John Christian Hopkins lives in Sanders, Ariz., with his wife, Sararesa. He is a veteran journalist – but never an enemy of the people – and a former nationally syndicated columnist for Gannett News Service. He is the author of many books, including “Carlomagno: Adventures of the Pirate Prince of the Wampanoag.” He is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe of Rhode Island.