I come to praise President Trump, not to bury him.
Now that he has clarified that only 80 percent of the media are enemies of the people, I can finally come forward as a true-blue – or is it orange? – Trump supporter. Enough of the phony media and their fake news!
The lamestream media would have you believe that our beloved president is skirting the edge of treason. But you can’t believe them because the truth isn’t always the truth.
Yeah, it’s about time someone had the guts to say that. Those words will go down in history alongside trite sayings like, “Four score and seven years ago …,” or “Ask not what your country can do for you …”
The truth isn’t always the truth is elegant in its simplicity.
Trump is innocent. Ain’t that the truth!
I don’t think people give the president the credit he deserves for his selfless generosity. Look, two women came forward and claimed to have had lurid encounters with this staunch family man. Of course it wasn’t true. Don’t believe me? Well, Trump himself said it’s not true.
But, out of the goodness of his heart, he secretly arranged to pay these women to keep quiet about something that never happened in the first place.
Who else would be so kind-hearted?
But the press likes to stir up controversy and scandal where none exists.
Some are whining about his tax returns – “Trump is exaggerating the size of his bank account,” they claim.
Big deal. I exaggerate about the size of my … um, well, whatever, all the time.
People like to make fun of the way the president looks. They say he’s fat.
Nonsense, he may be poundage-challenged, but definitely he’s not fat. Wait, which is worse, to be fat or obese? Well, anyway, Trump’s the good one of those choices.
Everything about Trump is good.
People are just jealous of his luscious orange complexion. Like he just rolled around in a giant bag of Cheetos! He just sounds delicious.
I don’t think he gets the credit he is due for his athleticism. He is obviously very nimble. I mean, even with bone spurs he was fast enough to dodge the Vietnam draft several times.
A patriot like that deserves a parade down the streets of Washington, D.C.
And stop the loose talk about him being racist. Where’s the proof, I say. Look, he has a forgiving heart, a willingness to see the best in people. Trump has never met a Nazi or Klansman that he didn’t like. But that doesn’t mean he hates Mexicans.
He said himself that he “guessed” a few of them might be good people. Just not the ones who are rapists or murderers … or brown.
But some loony liberals still want to cry about the lack of diversity in his administration. Look, why do you think they call it the White House anyway? And Trump seems to like to surround himself with cronies who commit white-collar crimes.
But that does not a racist make.
Am I racist just because I like Betty White? Or because I like to dream of a white Christmas?
People are plain jealous because our beloved president gets the best of everything. Is it so hard to believe that his inauguration was the biggest ever? Are you going to believe Trump or your own lying eyes?
Look, let’s be honest, President Trump is the richest man in the history of the world, he’s the best businessman, the handsomest fellow ever and he’s had the prettiest wives.
Even if some of them were married to other men.
President Trump is a good man, a devout Christian and an expert Twitter-user.
So get over it, lefties!
Why, if Trump was a horse, he’d be a stabled genius.
John Christian Hopkins, an award-winning novelist and humor columnist, is a member of the Narragansett Indian Tribe. See his writings at http://authorjohnchopkins.blogspot.com.